bleah

2009-11-08T05:42:00.000-08:00

i look back at my posts and i think, i have changed so, so, so much. i don't use vulgarities anymore, i don't get mad anymore, i'm motivated and i embrace life. what can i say? God has worked a miracle in me. i can only say, thank You Lord. just the other day evan brought up how all of us changed, whether in our faces, or phases, or both. haha. and with val too! we talked about how we used to whine so much and now we don't understand how we even brought ourselves to behave like that. HAHAHA. it's funny, this. and i look at my friends and see how they've all changed to, some for the better, some not. in sociology we learnt how society is in us, as much as we are in society, and it's so true. i dont even think twice about the way i dress (in terms of the prevailing trends, like tank tops, shorts, etc) in another country, to leave my head uncovered is sacrilegious ( i learnt this new word today :D), much less expose 3/4 of my leg! so yeah, society does impact who we are in many ways we take forgranted. isnt it scary! what if we're wrong? what if women AREN'T supposed to be given as much freedom as men? didnt corinthians say it was shameful for women to speak up in church? doesnt my own church subscribe to that, as no women can become pastors or lead worship? strange eh. but so it is. i personally believe that men ARE supposed to...lead the women. they are supposed to protect us as themselves, or their better selves, to teach and guide us, but still to respect us. but they did not, they oppressed us, abused us, looked down on us. so we've been forced ? to fight back, stand on our own two feet, show them that they've been wrongwrongwrong. but i still dont believe that men and women are supposed to be exactly the same and equal. what men lack, women possess, and vice versa. that's precisely why God made eve right? to complement adam, not to be just like him!

but back to society and my friends. i recently found out that many people picked up smoking. and i am honestly shocked. my initial reaction is to condemn and shy away from them, etc. but i think about it and i know that i am only who i am today because God came to my rescue. else, i'd be just like them! worse actually, for i know i'm weak minded, rebellious, stubborn. people think good girls are born, but i stand before everyone and say, good girls are MADE not born. it's easy to be bad. i remember telling evan that it was a good thing i didnt get to go to canada before Os, because who's to say i wouldnt pick up smoking, get a crazy boyfriend, maybe get a tattoo and several (more?) piercings. i wouldn't put it past me. i dare to do it, i'm not afraid of the consequences, i actually don't care if there are any. well, i DIDN'T. but then He came and like a fairy-tale, really, made me want to live, made me want to love the unlovable, made me a good girl simply because now i SEE the point of being good, i have REASON to be good, and most of all, i DARE to be good. everything went from greyness to colour! so do i judge my friend who said she wouldn't ever club, but now does, ever so often? no. i know how she feels. do i judge my friend who looks for affirmation and happiness in guys? no. i know how she feels. do i judge those friends who smoke? no. i know how they feel. but what can i say to my friends to convice them? there is nothing to be said. a person doesnt decide to smoke simply because he wants to, or is offered a cigarette. he does it cos he doesnt care too much about life, he doesnt care too much about later consequences because right now, it hurts too much, it bores too much, it is just here and now, me and myself. and what can i possibly say to convince my friends that they're wrong, they have to open their minds and hearts and see that everything people say about life and its beauty is true! that there is hope, there is goodness, there is worth, there is a point to all this.

but what can i say? i cannot say anything. but at night, at home, in the silence, in my heart, i say many things, manymany things to the Lord who CAN convince them, who CAN change them, who CAN bring them out of the depths of despair and make their lives beautiful. i know, because He did it for me. why? i dont know...was it because i asked? i begged Him to show me the truth? or was it because He MADE it such that i would ask? i dont know, maybe it's both, but i know that if we really want to know the truth about life, we will ask Him one day, and He will show us, but only if we REALLY want it. Do you?

2008-11-28T06:22:00.001-08:00

Having had studied Ariel for two years, the inevitable question arises: what killed sylvia plath?

was it her husband's adultery?
her children's eventual failure as a source of anchorage?
(These children are after something, with hooks and cries,/ And my heart too small to bandage their terrible faults. 'berck plage')
her "vulturous boredom" with life's mundane? ('hanging man')

i say, it was her intelligence.

compare Ariel to Another Place! look at how the former is so much more superior in form, literary technique, meaning, ORIGINALITY. her geniousity is undeniable, but that likely led to her arrogance.

she wants so desperately wants to know this "one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me", and yet before she gets an answer, she so contemptously remarks: "I know why you will not give it to me, You are terrified/ The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it".

of course, this is if you accept my interpretation that this birthday present she so wants is meaning to life, and the 'you' in question is God.

how i came to this conclusion?

1. perpetual christian references:

"the elect one"

"Let us eat our last supper at it"

"My god, what a laugh!'' , and again "But my god..."

"Let it not come by word of mouth"

2. she questions every aspect of life, thus reflecting her search/ questioning life/ asking the why, through looking at the what.

female domesticity: "When I am quiet at my cooking .../Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus, /Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules."

motherhood: "The diaphanous satins of a January window/ White as babies' bedding"

death (which she thinks to be the meaning to life (i.e. the birthday present she wants). Partly true, but fatally lacking in perspective. no pun intended.) :"If it were death I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.../There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday. "

3. what else can relate to the whole wide world, and yet relate to intimately to the individual, simultaneously?

"It stands at my window, big as the sky. [and yet] breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center/ Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history. "

thus we see that meaning to life applies to the whole physical existence of the world, and also to the individual's own existence.

the last time i brought it up in class, mr sas said it wasn't applicable cos 'meaning to life' is not a recurrent theme in Ariel. But look, the human desire to belong to a collective whole, to find anchorage (marriage, motherhood), her rejection of total female domesticity, all stem from a need to know WHY. Why live, marry, why mother, why subscribe to social prescriptions. thus, meaning to life!

so back to my point that it was her arrogance killed her.

if only she had humbly asked, she would have known!

'For this is what the high and lofty One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but am also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."' isaiah 57:15

and here you have the Plath essay i'd always wanted to write :)

2007-11-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

there was this dream i had once, i was in this small, dimly lit room/house. like an old shop house. it was a sheltar for several kids with aids. and my duty was to guard the bathroom opening, cos they had no money to build a door. but this one little boy was really mischievous and he kept wanting to play with the water. then my friends came by the house and asked me to go out with them and while i was distrcted, the boy ran in the bathroom and started playing under the showerhose. then he suddenly became very afraid and started crying and lay on the floor, and the person-in-charge of the sheltar came in and quickly picked him up and took him away.

it was at this point in time that i learnt that they couldn't touch water or they'll fall very ill
( i also dunno why. haha) and the boy like, might die. and i was busy saying 'i'm very sorry, i didnt know, i was distrcted and he ran in...' then my mum came by and said i had to go, so i left, and then she was saying she needed to go buy a new house and i said ok, i need to go meet my friends. and we both laughed and said 'haha this feels so funny after leaving the sheltar, what we're fussing over seems so lame, compared to what they're fussing over'. then i woke up, and i felt awful because that's the truth! people in cambodia, africa, philippines, thailand etc spend each day, concerned with things that affect their life and death but we spend most of the time concerned with the new phone i want, the new jeans i need, the bag i covet etcetcetc, and it seems sososo ridiculously lame.

sometimes i walk by places like raffles hotel and i look at the shops like jim thompson, gucci etc and think ' it's so nice to live the life of a rich person'.
then i look at the people in vertu, paragon and wonder ' how rich are they, to be able to afford a phone (and it's services) like that?'

but i guess wealth isn't what we should really desire because when we get the big house and drive the larmborghini and whatever i'm convinced we'll find that it means nothingnothingnothing.

but i also think the affluent suffer as much as the poor, but in different ways.
the poor don't have food, water, sheltar, but they'll never suffer the insane levels of stress that work and studies can bring, they'll never suffer an identity crisis, they'll never suffer the ills of the corporate world. they won't face the mind blowing shock of bankruptcy or retrenchment either.

i believe suffering happens to every single person, everywhere, and it's of the same intensity.

but i know that if we all know that there's somebody in control of circumstances and situations, that we're all exactly where we're mean to be, and every single one of us is of innate worth, then suffering won't be so bad, then we can face life with hope and joy :)

2007-10-04T00:52:00.000-07:00

okay so promos are over now. seems like i only blog after every exam. hahaha. i think i'm amazed at how God has changed me so much. the way i view studies and exams, my future, life etc. it's way cool :) but i know i forget ever so often, that i need not worry and i need not fear, that so long i study with Him in mind and enjoy it, He's pleased, and that's more than enough for me.

i know yunxing and joelynn have learnt this too! i'm gladgladglad.

sometimes i think about the future- will i promote? will i study in s'pore or will i go overseas? if i go overseas, will i come back? when? will the great tribulation happen in our lifetime? would i be able to live through it in faith and perseverance? - and then i find that in all of life's uncertainties, i can only turn to God for solace, cos only He knows, and only He is in control. And the reason why this brings me peace? Because if He could die for me (while i was His enemy), He would do anything else to help me.

haha, oh ytd i was walking out of sch and i bumped into my econs teacher, miss kat. not really bumped, she drove up next to me and asked if i wanted a lift out (it was really hot, see
?) haha. gorgeous. i was just dreading the looong walk out. then she rmbred she had to get sth from rail mall, so all the better for moi! miss kat's so cool, and her car's real cool too. all blue. told you colour coding's cool? hahahah. find me a replacement for the word 'cool'! anyway, she was asking me why i didnt hang out with the rest of the class and i thought ''actually, why arh?'' i mean, i think the class is quite nice after all..my vp's talk a long time ago help me remember to be joyful where i am, cos it's where God put me. (not that he said that, he can't. ) but you know, for the record, 4D is still way abv it up there! when're we having class chalet? not this year end i presume, it's too late to book anything right? boohoo. lets have a stayover!
and how abt 2B! we're also supp to have one!! dear me, i've got to remind somebody(s).

Loving you all and remembering every single one of my friends, good friends, best friends, long-time friends, and even acquaintences (did i spell that right?) (like the halfblind uncle at dover coffeeshop.) [no, i don't love him but i remember him, i mean.]

*anybody game to get a job in nov? heheh. i need to buy things, see?

2007-06-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

update for those who still read my kinda-dead blog :D

my exams just ended today! i went for a supposed shopping trip but ended up buying just some top i didnt even plan to get. haha. reminds me of the time i went out with jacq for like dunno how long and only bought one dress. phft.

tmr i'm playing tennis in sch! yays. my tennis is kinda sucky now i forgot my backhand. oh well.

and oh, i'd just like to say thanks veryvery much to those who brought me out to celebrate my bday :):) i had loads of fun eating at sizzlers and understanding the whole 'less is more' concept and hanging out with my belovedest jacq and grace and laughing at the doughnut queue that never moved and watching oceans13 which was totally cool and having yummy seafood pasta for dinner and the boat quay dinner which was so funny cos i kept complaining that everybody's taking so long and where are they when they were at the place already. hoho. and catching up with my sec2 friends who never fail to make me smile :P:P:P which reminds me, i havent gotten any photos yet! :S but thank you everybody veryvery much!

all in all, life's been good. with God everything's good :)

hope that everything's good with you too!!

p.s founder's day dinner :$35 ?!!!

2007-05-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

i miss i miss...

everything about fmss.

the uniform. the food. the busstop with shelter. the devotions, the christian environment,

my friends.

my friends, my friends, my friends.

pj just CANNOT compare to fairfield.

i'm just so glad we all still hang out!! :P

life's been good. tiring but rather fun. i'd never thought i'd like tennis so much. hahah.

its the holidays now, i intend to play hard, shop hard and study hard too. i will! hahaha.

i hope and pray all of my darling dearest friends out there are safe and good. happy? i sincerely hope so.

love!

2007-03-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

my thank-you-God post

thank you God that you healed me, my finger and my fever.
everyone said it would take weeks to heal but it only took 4 days! and my fever only lasted one day!
thank you God that every sunday you give me good weather that i may have a fruitful tennis lesson. every week the storm clouds gather overhead but every time they disappear soon after. thanks lots!
thank you God for letting me find you, that i may be close to you, to know you, to feel you. that my life is good. that i may have reason to study hard and well. that i'm convicted to be a nice (non bitchy) person..not that i ever was. haha.
thank you God for my friends, my family, my school..that influenced me and in some indirect way, lead me to find you, to receive your precious gift of salvation, of truly and wholly knowing you personally.
thank you God for your love to me.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

2007-02-05T03:54:00.000-08:00

alright. so its official: results are out this friday. how am i supposed to feel? nervous, anxious, worried, scared? but when i remember my Lord, i'm not feeling any of the above. yet i cannot deny that i'm afraid. afraid that i would'nt do well enough to get into acjc. afraid that people would think i had been lazy or spent my time unwisely during the O level period. afraid that all my hopes and plans would not be achieved. and whenever i think those thoughts as clearly and see them typed out like that, i realise that its blatant self-seeking wants that make me all jittery and nervous.

i place my utmost hope and peace in the knowledge that whatever should happen, God i salways with me wherever i go.

2007-01-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

firstly, i'm sorry that i havent been replying the tags. mainly cause i've not been online and also cause the tagboard SERIOUSLY needs to be changed. and blogger is messed up. it keep needing to 'shut down due to installation errors' what nonsense. anyhow, i'm missing fairfield SO MUCH. like in MI, i forget how to use my tongue.. heheh. so weird right? like, me? not talk? hahaha. but yeah, for some reason i don't talk mush even when spoken to. and elis keeps abandoning me :( but at least i've got val and estelle and syahirah and jiamin for company. and the rest of the fairsians before and after school too!! val and estelle are crazy, laughy, funny girls. hahahha. they laugh my share too :D but anyhow, here's my list of misses:

-canteen food
-devotions and chapel
-school culture
-carissa (here's your special mention :P)
-all my friends who've gone to other schools/work!
-laughing everytime, at everything-
dover food
-being in 4D! (boohoo.sobbsob)
-my 2B friends :(

but well, life goes on huh.

2007-01-13T01:39:00.000-08:00

europe 2006

itenary (as best as i can rmbr!)
10dec singapore/frankfurt
11dec-14dec paris
14dec-18dec zurich
18dec zurich/frankfurt/rome
18dec-21dec rome
21dec-24dec frankfurt
24dec-25dec singapore

at 1130am on the tenth, the taxi came to pick us up to the airport! the excitement hadn't really kicked in yet, considering the whole trip was only confirmed like..5days before we left! so anyway, the SIA staff didnt want to let my mum bring 3 guests into the lounge. phft! i mean come on.. 1 young adult + 1 teen + 1 little kiddo = 1 big adult, no? naturally, the littlest kid gets to go with mummy, so my poor sister and my poor self had to wander around the airport. haha. it wasn't so bad...comfy sofa-chairs, tvs, free internet etc. still, the lounge has yummy food !!!!!!!!!!!! no fair.

the plane ride was uneventful. had to keep checking the local time vs time at frankfurt so i knew what time to sleep to prevent an extreme case of jetjag. hahaha. oh yeah, i was bored see, then i was peeking at this fella's in-house com screen. he was doing a quiz thingy.. then one of the questions was ''who came up with the comcept that y sthsth equals sthsth of x or sth'' hahha. i can't rmb the question lar! but like logically thinking, it would be anything but ewan mcgregor right?! which was what he chose! hahahah. how embarassing. =D
after 12 long hours, we arrived at the frankfurt airport..met my dad over there..(he was in USA for business trip before that) took a shuttle to the hotel. (express by holiday inn. lousy.) complimentry apples at the counter..anyone? they actually have a cigarette dispenser! how apalling. the hotel toilet had one door only, that could close either the cubicle, or the entire toilet. so funny.. i think i might have a picture of it..

the next day we woke early to catch the train to paris. woohoo! now the excitement comes into play..it was a really nice day outside too..wanted to take a walk down the gorgeous trail with the autumn-winter trees of golden-red beside. so nice right?! plus the sky was really beautiful too, with the streaks of pink slowly turning into orange/yellow, and all the birds and everything...its actually not that singapore doesn't have nice skies, but we don't have nice landscape to make it picture-perfect. but anyhow, there was no time cos we had to be at the train station early.
the train ride was long, boring and boring. hahahah. it was like.. 7 hours. we played like..taboo and stuff in the cabin.. slept. looked outside. but it was pretty cool to think that i was passing through hills and forests and stuff like that. haha. we passed by alot of grazing cows and sheep. several horses too. it'll be absolutely awesome to actually live there..the rolling hills and mountains as a backdrop. to wake up everyday to God's own handiwork right infront of you. =S

when we finally reached, it was dark.. say maybe 6pm.. us, being not so rich,took the metro to where the hotel was supp to be within walking distance from. ( remember, we've got our luggages and the metro system there isnt so nice like ours. escalators are a luxury, much less lifts!) but when we got out, there was no hotel in sight. so we asked the friendly parisians for directions....which turned out to be a tough job because.. *drum roll* ..they can't speak english to save their life! surprising huh.. i always thought like the french could speak english, but for the accent. apparrently not. supposedly speaking, out of all the europeans, the french are the worst english speakers.haha. we learn something new everyday!

but yeah, back to the 'friendly parisians' part.. it's not actually sarcasm. the people there are a whole lot nicer than people give them credit for. like at the train station, my dad asked this guy for directions. he's those working adult kinds..dress pants, shirt and tie, smart shoes and matching hat+ trenchcoat. i'd have though he would be stuck up but then later when we got off the train, we stood there lost for a moment, then that guy passed by us in the train and pointed to the exit.. actually it was by chance that i happened to look up and see him do that, and for a moment i was confused as to whether he was talking to us or not.. then my brother and i asked at the same time ''is that guy....?' and so answered our query. haha! the image of him in his hat, in the passing train, pointing us in the right direction, still kinda makes me want to laugh. =P and also, on another train, the people inside helped us hold open the CLOSING train doors so we could squeeze up. haha.. nice hor? i wonder how they did that tho..

so yeah, we managed to find the bus to take us to the hotel and my oh my, what an experience. firstly there was the whole communication problem, which made it hard for us to get proper directions. and it was like, rush hour so the buses were crazily full. plus, we were'nt the only ones lugging our luggages around so it made it all the more inconvinient, and to top it all off, it was raining! bummerrrr...

had pizza for dinner. pretty good. but their portion for three filled five hungry asians perfectly well. haha. and they use chilli oil instead of chilli flakes! gross.it was real cold at first, then later when the heater heated up the room properly, the air got uncomfortably dry. i missed the humidity in s'pore for that one time! haha.

twelfth dec! it took us half an hour to get from the hotel to the city center by bus, then ten mins to our destination by metro. so, charles de gaulle was our first stop. the gate thingy that signifies their freedom or sth.. i rmbr elaine telling us about her visit there, when i was sec2. hahha. amazing.

we didnt go up though, for reasons unknown to me. after snapping a few shots like typical tourists, we took a leisurely stroll down what resembles orchard road, except for the huge branded boutiques left and right. ( oh yeah, in europe, macdonald's is a good stop -> free toilets! other public toilets CHARGE..like there was one at the boat ride, fifty spore cents man! )

we went to the louvre at first, but it was closed. like every tues they close it for maintenence of sth. bummer.

right. so we walked to the..square..can't rmb what the name was. it was a looong walk. so crazy. and one funny thing in paris was that they trees along the road were trimmed into rectangular tree tops. so odd! haha. okay, back to the square. apparently it was where the first public execution of some noble or other. and there's a basilisk? a monument of some sort's there too. a gift from eygpt. my sister says that her ex-french teacher commented that ' the egyptians give us so many gifts and the government puts them all over the place..it spoils the whole architecture!' teehee. fancy that. and all the tourists take endless photos of these things while the french go by finding them an eyesore..hahahah

alright so passed through this park that was designed by a nurse and built by a gardener. weird or what huh. what happened to the architects and all? didnt the nurse have patients to look after besides designing a park? haha. but anyhow, there was this fella in like shortshorts and a sleeveless top, running. and there i was in three layers of clothing. i'm like- ?!! and i tell you, the best place for birds to perch, are the top's of sculptures of men. EVERYWHERE we went, there was always this ridiculous bird sitting atop this muscular, 'perfectly-built' man.

check out the expression: 'why on earth is THAT considered nice?!'

And so as we continued our never-ending journey on foot, we passed by this shoppe selling crepes! Mm-m, the aroma was tres magnifique! Right so it’s just crepe with ham and mozzarella cheese basically. But it was good! And filling.. actually halfway through i got bored with it. But that’s not the point, it was yummy! Hahah. Somebody should bring that into Singapore. And ooh there was this really cool outdoor skating rink..we’d never see anything like that here.. darn.

Hehe I rmbr my brother trying to entertain himself, and me, by making up ‘miss swan stories’. Like, miss swan the fortune teller. Hahahah. And he even gave me parts to play. Hahahahha. I TOTALLY giggled my head off. Heeeh. I’m so sure, if miss swan dies, my brother can take over!

As we were queuing to get into notre dame the ticketing lady was really friendly and like asked us where we were from. And when we told her we were from Singapore she totally got so excited and starting gushing about how delicious the Indian food in s’pore was. Hahah. Amusing or what huh. Why isn’t the government promoting Singapore as a food hub instead! I mean, the FRENCH like our food.

notredame is really big and ancient.. plus there's that whole story of ' the hunchback of notredame' to add to the interest factor. but that place is in SERIOUS need for a lift! it's like, 40m upwards. not really VERY far but still tiring enough. especially when the steps are teensy and neverending. its crazy.. the first level was a good platform for viewing the area closest to where notredame was situated. the next level was good for viewing the entire vicinity..and its so cool cause you totally could imagine quasimodo climbing to the top and looking down on the breathtaking view below. far far far below. hahah. SO AWESOME. *gushgush*

anyhow, we saw the church bell. it's like, an eight-men operated bell. dunno how they squeeze into that small platform. and like, if something gives way, they'll fall downdowndown......but okay lar, the structure's quite solid. biiiiiiig wooden planks. an entire forest must've been deforested to bulid the interior..tsk!

after climbing up and up and down, i totally never wanted to see another step again! and like if we were going down and someone was going up, we had to bear hug the centre so that the other ppl could pass ( or vice versa ) thank God none of us tumbled down!

paris! that's the effiel in the distance.

after notre dame we went to take this boat ride. ridiculously expensive and all we saw was lameo stuff like this

*back to it when i'm free*

2006-04-14T03:05:00.000-07:00

i know Jesus died for me and not only the Jews because in romans 10 : 12, it says- for there is no difference between jew and gentile-- the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him. for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. [ gentile -someone not of hebrew descent]

i know that Jesus died because he loved us too, and not just out of obediance to God as, even tho he was dying, he said ''Father forgive them , they know not what they do''. if that's not love, tell me what is.

2006-04-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

wow. its been almost a year since i last blogged. but reading the posts really make me happy, reminding myself of all that happened so far. this year, service learning's definately beeen the most eventful thing. its super awesome. firstly cos of all the fun we had. everyday, every moment was totally memorable.

i felt most inspired thorugh this trip mostly spriritually. before i went for the trip i was actually like doubting my faith and asking alot of questions and stuff. and so everyday i prayed to God to help me and to show Himself to me and let me feel His prescence. and sometime before the trip some of my questions were answered, so i partially appeased. like the feeling of not know if God was real or if He reallly died for me and everything was really very tormenting.

then during the trip, on like the second or third day, i was walking alone ( me, the loner.teehee ) to the vball court. then i chatted with j.lim for awhile then i continued walking and for some reason i turned arnd and i was like overwhelmed with this dejavu. it was so strong la seriously i was nearly knocked off my feet. then i was wondering why i felt that way and the next secondi remembered that sometime last yr i dreant that i went to thailand for mission trip! so amazing right? i rmbr v clearly cos like, i was confused why it was that i went to thailand. and the dream was totally hazy and stuff but i remember all-so-clearly that the walls were blue. and the thing is WE painted the walls blue! the dream and reality wasnt very accurate but the main things were there. it was soso divine. and that made me realise that God does have a plan for me. cos i actually put yunann as my first choice. but i ended up in chiangmai! so cool rights?

and also some stuffs happened that made me feel kinda upset and annoyed. but then i realised that i should'nt be like that cos like, jealousy is something that can really overwhelm you and make you into someone mean. and i dont wanna be mean! and i promised myself that i wont gossip anymore.

i also realised how selfish i was. when na offered his biscuits to me, i was like..oh man, he's so sweet. and thinking back, he so willingly offered to share though he had so little, but i don't even share with my siblings.

and kuwtee( khotti) that sweet darling, who so shyly offered her friendship to me. i can never forget her. the first day i saw her she gave me a drawing. the next night we sat together during chapel. the next night we played arnd with the rest of the kids. arm wrestling and catching and stuff. the day after i watched her eat her dinner of rice and veg. only. the nxt day i played with her and nong kook and i think carissa. haha. man oh man. i hope she doesnt forget me.. =/

every afternoon i'd bathe at arnd 6, and so during chapel i'd be all clean and fresh already. there was this particular night i was sitting with kuwtee. then she hadn't bathed yet so she was kinda sticky. and she wanted to lie on me, the clean one. my initial thought was like ' ew! dont lie on me!' then, i realised '' what happened to a heart of compassion and all that stuff? '' so aft tt i didnt care and let her lie and me and i hugged her. but it was then i realised how little love i had actually. how could i expect everyone to be always clean and healthy and every thing right? if i wanted to spread Gods word and stuff, i couldnt think like that! and so, another learning point :)

then, the second night she was performing infront of us. and i looked at her happy face and nervousness and all the feelings i felt too, when performing. and then i thought ' she has HIV. she's so happy now, but she wont live long. why? why did God make her life so? like, her life on earth is so short...'

reflecting on it later, i thought about this email i received. and i rmbred what it said- she's put on earth for a purpose, to help another lost soul. she does not belong to this flock but to His flock. and when it is time for her to be called back, it'll be to where she belongs.

definately, this made an impact on me.

the trip also made me think about life. what is life about? is it just to study, get into good schools, get a good job, get married, retire young and then prepare for death..remembering God just abit along the way? like, no way! after the trip, i'm seriously not so bounded to earthly things anymore. which was smth that was troubling me alot at the start.

returning back, i knew i was different. my perception on life was different. everything was different. but everyone and everything else was still the same. how? what? why?
still, i did feel God speaking to me everyday. He answered my prayer for a friend to help me in my faith- joash! and during the first chapel, the song '' now that You're near, everything is different, everything's so different lord. i know i'm not the same, my life you've changed, i wanna be with You, i wanna be with You' suddenly held so much meaning for me. and there's alot of other stuffs that happened too.. and it's so cool. i'm sure my midset has become more.. earth-oriented. but well.. i'm still blessed by the Spirit and that rocks :)

2005-08-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

well. havent updated yeah i know.. heh. feeling kinda down..over all that happened over these past two days. doreen and my grades. so yeah...

seriously it really made me realize that i've taken all my friends forgranted. that they wud always be here, a significant or insignificant part of my life. and suddenly, she just left. just like that. no warning, no hint whatesoever. true, she was born with this illness and doctors gave her arnd 14 years to live... but i mean.. what happened to the miracles and all? why? i guess its a really stupid question. cos no one here can give me a sensible answer to that.. but i was really shaken by the news.. for some reason..

and i realized too, that although she wasn't healthy like most of us, she did very well in her studies. since primary school, she was in the best classes all the way. and it made me feel very ashamed of myself. that i dont try hard enough..

i guess, there really is more to life. than studies and school. but what? what is it that we're deprived of.. what is it that we should be pursuing but not trying hard enough... i think i know the answer.. but i'm not sure.. i think that we may be focusing on the wrong things... but what if i'm wrong? i dont know...i just pray that it will be a LONG time before i have to attend another funeral...

pleasepleaseplease.

2005-07-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

hhaahha...first july till now...thats like..one month!! heeh.. well so lotsa things haf been gg on in my life..are u interested to know???

if you are, then firstly i wanna complain that i dont like my CCA. actually i like it alot..but its just some ppl who spoil it all...UGH. i mean like....*throws up hands in frustration* ??!!

haha...but yeah..i'm glad i haf nice frens who are always there for me.. =) and listening to christian music reallyreally helps me...cos like this month has been SO hectic with choir and all..and stressful over all those tests... i nearly had a nervous breakdown!! hhaha..but well i'm well and alive now! =P

and i just realised, that O's are in 15 months!!!!!! AHHHHH.... give me strength.

yeah and so recently i've made a couple of new frens, or become closer to some ppl...its fun having more frens dont u think?? heheh...

oh and the performance at esplannade, WAY COOL. hahah. like we went backstge and all the cool places that non-performers never get to see =) ultra fun lehh!!!! THIS is when i love choir. but then , its also the ppl in choir lor...some just manage to spoil your day like that. *snaps fingers* (and some fat ppl i know too *grins*)

howie day : collide. its so nice.. i love music.... it makes me happy =)

and so here's sth for you and me to be reminded of :

"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold/maintain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change."

"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time to enjoy/taste the water in it."

2005-07-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

power gets to people's heads. are u one of the affected?

2005-06-04T00:48:00.000-07:00

haha okay i'm FINALLY blogging! =P i'm like so boreded out..all these rnd meetings are totally killing me la! my legs ache...oww... and all those remedials, extra lessons, and the HOMEWORK they give.. GOODNESS. it totally is killing my holiday..'holiday'

yeah so i'm not really in such a good mood now...i dont knoww..life is suddenly kind of meaningless...like..dont u feel that way sometimes? hahax...luckily there's still laughter..makes me forget how bleak life really is..isnt it? haha..now i'm sounding like some depressed kiddo who cant get a grip.. but i'm NOT! i'm so totally in grip okay! hahax.. ANYWAYZ ..

i turn my head over to the left, and i see all my textbooks and worksheets, waiting to be done........wait longer, yours truly ain't in the mood.

so lets see, lets draw out a plan for my holidays...or whats REMAINING of my holidays.

*- finish my work
*- do revision
*- go shopping
*- go out wif the retards
*- go out wif baby
*- go out wif my bestie

looks like i better start saving money man! its such a terrible feeling to be broke. eeks. i hate it. hahax.. when i grow up, i want a high paying job. this is when my will to study and complete my work kicks in.. but it doesnt last long... hahaha..

so yeahh.. gone to wallow further in my depressed state. heh.

[me]*.-/ lissa .' ~

2005-05-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

HEY! back frm obs..it totally rocked la...and u know. i fell dwn infront of the whole freaking level.. malu #1. cos i took off the cap and turned arnd to ask kim if my hair was messy anot. then i din know there was this sign infront of me so i tripped.and cos it was short i cudnt hold it..so i fell sideways on guo rong..heh..throughout camp ppl kept coming up to me and suanning me la..SUPER pai seh..

at first when i saw who was in my grp i nearly cried can..cos i wasnt close to ANY one of them..so i was v sad..but aft like the first day, i realised that it was really a fun grp cos everyone like was my kind of personality..the crappy kind..hahah..

2nd day we did hiking to the quarry.was the stupid ic...who did nothing..hahah.. got cut with the jacknife by that stupid jeffrey kwok..i totally cried la..u got see me cry b4? no right?? kaoz..was damn painful sia. but i was more like laugh-crying cos jeffrey had this scared look on his face..it was hilarious! =) and we pee-ed in the open..heh..quite an experience..wont wanna do it again though!oh & baq to the hike.i nearly died..the bag. is so. freaking. HEAVY. haf u ever carried my sch bag??it's like 10x lighter than the one @ obs. grr....

marcus got kinda pissed wif us then, at the quarry. cos we din tell ai chin we weren't gg to swim, then she din allow everyone to go dwn the water..heh..OOPS. =X

3rd day we hiked to camp1..WOW..like 5 star hotel to us at that moment. did rockclimbing. so proud of myself cos i climbed nearly to the top!! *grinn* stepped on han's hand..heh..sorry dude!! malu#2. everyone below was laughing can! aft tt, we did the vertical challenge.nearly gave up..thx guys below..(and girls la)..encouraged me to go on.hung on to the pole for a super long time.but i reached the top! when i thot i cudnt!! yeahh so happy.made my day sia!

nxt day did 14km kayak.nearly whacked tt stupid LJ on the face. smeared mud on my face.splash icky sea water on me.dont allow me go toilet.wth sia! gay sh*t.hahah.. a fish jumped into my kayak flopping arnd..screamed my head off. malu#3 luckily got liwen.she did 3/4 of the paddling. I LOVE LIWEN! hahah..she did all the cooking and it was GOOD. and she help me dry my hair and she kept the bugs away at night...she so rocks!!hosea nearly killed me.supp pull me up he slope but he's so light tt i slipped backwards.luckily i haf a gd sense of balance man. (HEH)

last day did jetty jump.saw this freaking huge jellyfish.seasnake floated by..thousands to lil fishies...cool sia! samuel cracks me up..he behaves like a 51 yr old..not a 15 yr old...hah.and i climbed up&dwn the 100step stairs SIX times IN A ROW.i almost died. and han tried to throw a grasshopper at me! but when he open his hand i hit at it and *piak* it got squashed.YUCK! hahah. paid $10 cos we SMARTLY lost a FREAKING BAG!.. like its SO big. HOW cud we lose it?! piss me off man.

huai zer is so funny.scared of me seh..hahahah...

frm tis camp i leant to persevere.the POWER of WILLPOWER.satisfaction in achieving. that's in the rockclimbing stuff.
teamwork.importance of friends. that's throughout e camp.esp in helping each other..like must 'hu siang bang zhu' if not everyone wud suffer real bad.esp me..haha..i haf like..limited energy.=) i seriously think tt's like the most impt thing i realised.how much friendship is of importance..hahah.seriously.in more ways than one i discosvered tt.
evident need of 'enthu-ness'. keeps everyones spirits up.haha..all that crapping, made me stomach hurt frm laughing too much..hahaha.
initiative.take the first step.dont wait for others.if not, nth will get done.*hinthint samuel??* haha..
so far tt's all i rmbr...yuppx... rock on cousteau fmss '05
p.s thanks guys.i know i like asked u ppl to do alot of things for me right?? hahah...thanks arh..=)

[me]*.// lissa //.*

*bleah*

bleah